Nobody chooses a mental disorder. If I could pick mine, I probably wouldn’t have the one I have. And, I really don’t think anyone wakes up in the morning and says, “Hey! I know what I want for today! I want to special order a nightmare of after-effects that are a result of abuse I’ve experienced in my life!”
No, I really don’t think that’s the way it goes.
Because I’ve been thinking lately, “Can we just be done now?”
I have to ride the wave, and sometimes it’s true…the wave is a great adventure. “Great” is a very subjective term.
And some things about living with the brain altered experience of a formerly abused mind, body and spirit can be subjective too. Such as, “How will I live this day of madness?”
There is some choice in how I live my days. Sometimes there is even a lot of choice. Sometimes making that choice comes with an enormous amount of pain and struggle…but, I don’t think the trouble with making choices is reserved solely for people with a brain condition or someone living the effects of abuse. (Although, it can certainly add an extra ounce of oomph to the process!…and at times call for extra support through a qualified and emotionally mature and plain ol’ good-hearted and kind therapist.)
I guess I’m trying to say a lot of things here. I’m saying sometimes in life there are choices even within the place of no choice…for everyone.
Some days I choose to feel. Some days I choose to not feel. But the feelings are always there….I don’t think there’s a lot of choice about that. Being human is like that.
For a long time I have chosen to not feel. And for a while I made that choice, even if subconsciously, so I could survive all the feelings swarming around and through me.
I’m entering a new place. I’d say it’s an in-between place.
There’s not a lot of words to this place yet. I just hang on to the light and what it reveals…It seems like I am in the process of seeing a lot along my personal journey lately, although I can’t always quite make out what an image is. Engaging in life through art has been a safe place for me to explore this unknown.
Today…I choose feeling. I choose life. I choose hope. I choose light.
Thankfully, these things are making a home in my chest and not so much my brain.
Today I am brave, which is not always my natural condition, but is just as much part of the human condition as all the rest, none-the-less.
These photos are from a family walk at the park yesterday….
(Click on the image to view in a larger format on your screen.)