Over the weekend my Baby became a Toddler. She’s still not quite “toddling,” but we’ve made the one-year mark. It’s exciting and humbling. It makes me nostalgic for my older daughter who will turn 14 this fall. Though, it is hard to not be washed in fear. I look at other families, especially younger ones just starting out with their baby or young children and sometimes my heart wants to stop. I don’t really know why. I don’t know if it takes me to the hindsight wisdom I have now about a time when I was so young (a teenager) and unknowing–when I had no idea what was to come for me as a mother– or if I am feeling vulnerable for them…because they look so innocent. Parents. Hearts just right out there in front.
I don’t think I look innocent.
But I’m not really sure what I look like anymore.
I have no idea what life will throw my way. I am doing my best to be the parent my toddler (with her own unique personality and set of traits, much different from her sister’s) needs me to be. I don’t think I look-or feel-innocent, but I so often am scared of not knowing enough.
I am constantly searching myself out, asking, “Have I learned what I need to know from my mistakes?”
It’s scarier to be pretty sure I probably don’t even know all the mistakes I have made yet.
Time is a teller.
Is there any parent out there who can’t look back and see even just one mistake they might have made in raising a child? If there is, I’m sure that person will come find me here to tell me, lol. Never fails, huh. (Falls under the class of “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.”)
Anyway, we survived the first birthday party. A party my older daughter never received. (I was a Jehovah’s Witness then.)
I feel like I am always living in alternate universes. Especially as a married woman and parent now in this new place. Memories free-flow around and through me. I live in an ocean of memories and most of them are not very pleasant. I work hard to make new ones. Sometimes I think I actually work too hard at that and stress myself out even more. And then is the memory I worked so hard to make good any good?
But as I was saying, we’ve made it this far.
This year we celebrated with friends…a pretty rockin’ way to get the ball rollin’. Right?
But my older daughter was with her dad. So even this birthday is tinged with sadness. It’s a long story only a mini-series could tell.
I’m going to trust that if I keep living life with light will take care of this for all of us.