The trail I’m on is dodgy right now. I can’t keep up with myself, I’m thirsty and with every step the path tries to disappear beneath my feet. Paranoia creeps in. I can’t trust anything or anyone, especially me. I question myself repeatedly and I never answer back. There is a call with no return. I want to hide. I’m not sure who I am talking to. The main part of life is a strange veneer lifting off from the surface of a screen…no front or back.
Are parts like this where it’s just important to go through the motions? There are parts where there doesn’t need to be any real meaning beyond staying alive, I suppose. Even when life floats like a ghost?
The last time I had a massage I was told I needed “a lot of work.”
I am repelling touch.
A couple of days ago I had a freak-out session and had to double-up on my daily dance in front of the television. My toddler knows what it means when I say in a sing-songy voice “Mommy’s gotta ex-ser-size!” I was so tired, but I had to go until I couldn’t feel anymore. She crawls on me, bounces in motion with me, and tries to eat my exercise mat.
While I’m occupied with that there’s a thick Art History book sitting in the corner on the desk. I do a few more squat-thrusts to try to calm my anxiety. About what…I don’t know.
My teenager calls and comes over to the house bearing gifts for me from her recent trip to the Gulf Coast with her dad. My God, how I love her. How it frightens me to know she was once a toddler too. And I, her mom. She’s too beautiful to have come from me. “And too normal,” I think to myself. Normal in that extraordinary teenager way. Growing up.
I want to talk to somebody, but there’s no one around.
I don’t know why there’s nobody around other than I’ve always been too scared to have anybody around.
I’m scared to go grocery shopping.
Too many people.
There’s been a lot of fighting lately. Maybe I’ll get a divorce. Maybe I’ll go nowhere.
I take vacations. I fantasize compulsively and obsessively through websites advertising retreats, engaging me in the promise of wisdom and adventure, release and grounding. I over-analyze dates and costs and reality. It takes me away for a while.
Away for a while.
Away for a while.