This evening me and my husband had a luscious conversation about our spirituality and beliefs about life, religion and the journey of it all. I am using the term “our spirituality,” but actually we each are quite different on our individual paths. It’s a bit crazy that we actually even ended up married because we see things so differently, but then there are times when we meet in the middle. We met in the middle enough to have a baby together and start a family anyway.
A lot of spiritual stuff has been on my mind, but that’s because my whole life has kind of been a strongly spiritual kind of journey, even though I didn’t necessarily pick it to be. It kind of just happened…like being born.
I don’t know what to say about it because there’s so much to say about it. And I’m a little scared to say some of the things I think because I don’t want my thoughts to be misconstrued as propaganda. As if the world needs more propaganda these days. (I think that and I don’t even practice watching the news.)
But if I remember right, I think our conversation got started because I was talking to my husband about motherhood. Specifically, motherhood and the expectations on mothers in our society (we’re in Midwest USA), and even more specifically (or possibly more broadly) the “Christian ideal picture” of motherhood.
I’m not sure I belong in the midwest, and at this time I don’t identify with any organized religion. Just saying, because I do have a lot of thoughts about both of these things. I also don’t not (and I do mean that, this is not just bad grammar) identify as a Christian. It could be a confusing thing to try to categorize where I am. It is for myself, sometimes. And I guess I should also preemptively say I’m not looking for me and my family to be “saved” and that doesn’t mean I want us to go to any literal or figurative hell. It just means that I have faith in the journey so please let me be on it. If I’m meant to find your cabin in the woods, I will.
I’m just sharing. Pretend you have found my journal at the base of a tree, perhaps, with clear signs I will be returning. For example, chocolate and coffee are nearby. And pretend there is a little message beside my journal that says…”Read this if you want…at your own risk.” But the risk part is not a threat. It’s just the understanding between us that I actually have no idea where I’m going with all of this talk at the moment.
A little insider info about me…because I’m being just so private here, I know:
I wear a (small, and not clearly recognizable from a distance) cross around my neck. Right next to (or on opposites sides of it, depending on how the charms lay on any particular day) are the words “grace” and “patience.” This is where I am. This is the most definitive place for myself I have come to on my spiritual journey, recently.
I would tell you what pieces on my necklace symbolize or refer to exactly, but I’m not sure exactly. It’s just part of me right now, and I accept that. I’m generally an open and accepting sort of person.
But anyway, back to the motherhood thing. The motherhood thing. It’s such a “thing” isn’t it? It’s like one of the things you’re warned to not talk about with anyone else, lest you need to defend your life. Everyone knows not to raise the subject of Politics, Religion and above all…Motherhood in uncertain company.
But I’ll just say it.
I don’t vote (usually.) I’d probably be considered Agnostic (if forced into a box,) and I’m on the fence about my place in the world (particularly what my role as a mother should look like.)
I’m not sure how I turned out to be such an opinionated person, but I might see myself as opinionated just because I have many thoughts about a lot of different, and sometimes potentially volatile, subjects.
I’m just not imposingly opinionated.
After looking into it, since I am writing about this here, after-all….I’m actually probably a Gnostic Christian,not really A-gnostic. Which just opened up some trail for me, as I speak. (I have a sneaking feeling I knew this about myself once before, but got lost in trying to fit into a cabin that didn’t have space for me, or something, because the term “gnostic” is suspiciously familiar to me.)
Have you ever known or seen a chain smoker? Perhaps you are one yourself, even. Well, then you would understand me right now. I am a chain gum-chewer and I’m at the end of my pack so I’m really trying to get somewhere with this post quick, because even the a-b-c gum is soon to be out of date for usefulness if I don’t somehow get to it.
Oh that’s right! I was getting to something!
I don’t remember it now.
I think I’m scared to let it out now, and I actually want to research gnostic Christianity for the rest of the night instead! Ha.
So I was saying about this luscious conversation with my husband-no fighting, no yelling, crying or hurt feelings, nobody being left stranded on the side of the road or running out the door before remembering to to get fully dressed to save themselves from the other. A true gem of a discourse is what we had.
But I’m procrastinating here, now.
Maybe I’m not ready to speak about this publicly. But I want to. Because it’s a big deal, but that’s also why maybe I’m not ready yet.
Ah, I’ll get there. But it might be 3am. before I do….and it’s only 9:20pm here.
Ugh, I guess I better save my energy for what I feel coming on…..
Sorry about tricking you into reading the preface…(I really didn’t mean to!)