I don’t know how darkness can be so invisible.
But sometimes it is precisely because of its invisibility that darkness becomes itself.
When I was a teenager I had a conversation with the darkness once. I suppose I was a little headstrong, a little unruly. The invisible darkness was the only real force I could rebel against. I definitely wasn’t going to try to rebel against my mother or father. In hindsight, that might have been the better path. (Not that I hope my teenager ever sees that sentence!) But for me, it might have been quicker path into light.
Instead, I stepped, unknowingly, deeper into the pits of emptiness in my effort to be good enough for them…and for me. Really, to be good at all, but mostly to be good-enough for anyone I though might love me if I performed well. Perfectly.
My hand was asked in marriage at 16. And I said yes to the man who was 15 years older than me. And so did my parents.
I bought my own wedding dress with money I earned myself. $300 at David’s Bridal.
I was a childcare worker. I made $8 an hour (I later realized taxes weren’t taken out so when I reported my wages I was taxed more than I ever earned, but that’s another story,) which was a huge salary (hourly) increase from my $7.25 I made at the dry cleaners and I loved children.
Except for later I learned I didn’t really love myself…and neither did anyone else. But not because they didn’t want to. Because they just couldn’t. I can’t entirely blame them. So I can’t entirely blame myself for everything that happened either.
But about that conversation with darkness. I remember it still. I remember laying on my bed in my bedroom in the apartment I was living in with my mother. It was after a fight. I’m not sure if it was abuse. I thought abuse only happened to children at the time, and I didn’t consider myself a child. It was just a fight, and probably my fault. I don’t remember the source of the fight that day. I only remember the conversation I had after it while I laid in my room where I could never bring myself to sleep. (I slept in the living room on the 2 cushion sofa every night with my neck propped curiously forward on the armrest.) I remember my mom telling me I should sleep in my bed because I was breaking down the couch. But I slept there for almost a year (the amount of time I lived there) anyway. So maybe I did rebel some.
I keep getting away from the darkness. Or do I? (Sometimes the question has to be asked.)
The darkness and my conversation. It was a little one-sided with me doing a lot of the talking, but the darkness doesn’t always talk in words. The darkness isn’t always nearly as direct. It likes to be more like a covering over everything so it becomes a mass so encompassing it can be hard to determine where it ends and begins, or to see it at all.
In this conversation, in my contempt, in my teenage righteousness and belief that I could surmount anything if given the time, I told the darkness, “You will never win. You will never get me. No matter what you do to me, I will never give you my soul. You can beat me down, but you can’t have ME. Never. Never. NEVER. Over my dead body will you win.”
And so….I hadn’t learned yet….about the light…and about Life With Light.
I didn’t know what it was going to be about.
I didn’t know what was ahead of me.
I didn’t know all the…all the….things.
I didn’t know.
But as I look back on that “conversation” today, I sometimes feel like it was the first conversation where I was ever listened to and believed. And I figured if I believed the Light could see my heart that maybe the darkness could too, and it would be so clear that I was invincible. I already could feel so little.
But I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.
And so this head-strong, heart-strong girl spent a lot of time learning a lot of different things about what can be seen and what can’t.
And about how remarkably presumptuous I was.
I worked to make the right decisions. I always wanted to do the right things.
But what do you do when doing all the “right” things turns out to be wrong?
What do you do?
Sometimes you lose faith. But that comes much later, after you realize maybe you made the wrong decisions about which (or whose) faith to follow.
Oh so many things. So many, many, many many many horrendous things.
But the horror tonight should be about Halloween parties. Because that is where horror belongs.
And I am starting to put all the horror and darkness that has existed, that has practically been my life up to this point, where it belongs.
Off of me.
So tonight there is no covering over who I really am. This is me.
Sometimes it’s scary. Especially for me when I look into that magic ball and see where I have been.
I look toward and forward to the future, but I don’t look to know about it all ahead of time. After all, time does not like to be raced.
I didn’t know before, and even with all that I didn’t know about and the perilous journey I was on (but didn’t know I was on, at the time) I still work on just being present where I am in this day, in this moment. It is the only place I can be me. Right here with myself is the only place I can be good enough.
I was thinking about this tonight after me and my husband’s first couples session (for the 2nd time) (and this is my second marriage) with a new couple’s therapist. I was, more specifically, thinking about this after we returned home from our session and after the “fight” we had later.
I’m calling this phase of the journey, Operation Light. I googled it and it doesn’t exist yet 😉 Of course, now it does. So you can join this Operation of Light with me! 🙂
Life With Light: “Operation Light” ….I can see it in….lights, now. 😉
That proposes that it will work.
Operation Light is about infusing Light where ever darkness is even remotely suspected. There’s no danger is suspecting darkness to be everywhere. It is not possible to overdose on Light.
It will work….I’m talking to the Light about it right now.
I have had a little shift in my approach toward life. I am learning to address the Light. The darkness is not worth my time, and definitely not worth me. And it’s not worth you either. I just love people, and I can’t help it. I was well-meaning when I tried to fight against the darkness rather than focus on fighting FOR the Light….I was young and perhaps a bit ostentatious.
But the Light has helped me see that…ever so gently, of course. That’s the way of the Light. Because the Light actually did know what was inside me and behind my efforts.
So when it seems dark and insurmountable, don’t give up.
Don’t ever, ever give up. ” Operation Light” Lovers never give up unless they are giving it up to the Light. 🙂