It is hard to feel needy. The only thing I might wish is for it to be a little harder, though. Hard enough so that I wouldn’t feel it at all.
I thought I was going to be able to write about this, but maybe the moment has passed. I’ve been distracted.
It won’t be enough of a distraction to not get back to needing at 11pm or 3am, however.
Personal neediness doesn’t seem to pay much matter to personal convenience or sleep. It rears it’s head in the darkest hours of aloneness when the heart is searching and aching to soothe itself. Or it stomps its feet in the between times of trying to care for a hungry toddler or a hormonal teenager.
When do I not need?
In flash scenes from “What about Bob?” and the thought of seeking comfort from another human suddenly becomes the darkest of devils. Especially considering the convenience factor of when the feeling is at it’s strongest, which for me right now seems to be nearly all the time. Just not this moment when I’m trying to access it to write it out of my system. No, now I am totally self-sufficiently ineffective.
My lips have been frozen all day. I googled “cold lips” and the first thing that popped up was a link to Yahoo! Answers from a person asking:
“My lips feel almost constantly cold my doctor says it is anxiety but i don’t feel anxious?”
The most popular response was that this person was, indeed, anxious, regardless of being aware of it or not.
I guess denial can only go so far.
But not only have my lips been cold all day, they have also had that slight twinge of cyan.
So maybe my subconscious is trying to help me out by not breathing. Because, hey, it’s not like life and death or anything.
Which brings me to the topic of death. And life.
But that brings me back to neediness.
And I am not needy at all.