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My Art Therapy Journey

Posts tagged alive

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December 13, 2012

There is a lot that could be said about this year.  A lot has happened, but it feels like I’m back in the same place where I started.  It’s just, I’m not too sure which “starting place” I’m speaking of.

Am I back where I was at this time last year?  I don’t think so!  I just can’t exactly remember where I even was at this time a year ago.  I’m pretty sure I was too disoriented to make it a memorable occasion.  I’m pretty sure things weren’t too great.   I started blogging shortly after that time.

It was a last-ditch effort.

So…

I guess sometimes last-ditch efforts are worth the effort.

I hope.

I’m always hoping to make my life worth the effort it takes from everyone involved in keeping me afloat.

Maybe afloat isn’t too great a descriptor.  It doesn’t really specify whether I am floating face up or down and in the case that I might just be staying afloat face down, my condition might not actually be so great.

Same with grounded.

Maybe I should just make it clear about my condition as I stand today and say my thank you’s to the world that I’m ALIVE.

I’m happy to be alive.  Even on the bad days (95% of myself agrees with me.)

The other 5% is just a tantrum within me speaking of worthlessness, and I know it’s not really true.

I’m really 100% (at least!) happy to be alive.  But I am always striving toward living my life better, purposefully.

I’d really rather never die.  Not even ever.

But I’m ok with it whenever it comes….I just hope it doesn’t for a long time.

Wow, this isn’t really going where I was trying to go.

Such is living life as me.

My life takes me places I never could have imagined or planned.

I do make choices, I know, but sometimes me staying alive requires a whole lot of me letting go and trusting things I’m doing, even when I have no idea what I’m doing.

Like now, writing.

Oh well.

I wanted to say some words.  But there will never be enough words, or efficient or sufficient enough ones.  I guess that’s why I like making things that don’t rely on words so much.

I probably should get back into poetry.  Where words are words but not words at all.

It seems to sum up where I am and where I have been this year, all that has happened on the private, personal and public level, there is just no way to do it.

No other way than to keep living since I am still here…Where I started.

Alive.

Making note of it because a lot can change so fast.

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There is something about creating that helps me feel complete.   It doesn’t always even matter what form the creation takes. Whether it’s making a meal or cake, assembling together found objects or piecing together fabrics…or turning a bit of what has been a place of darkness  in my life into something with more light.

The thing about creation is that it seems to follow you everywhere.  That’s what is so awesome about being alive.  For me, when I’m able to connect to creation in all its varied forms,  it makes living feel ok.  When I can open my eyes…when I am brave…light is everywhere in my life.

And I’m safe to feel.

***

This weekend I finally was able to complete a shelf I’ve been in the process of making for the last several weeks.  My projects still take 10 times as long as they potentially could due to all the creating I do as a mother. So, when something outside of  my  time creating as a mom is finished it gives me quite a rewarding feeling of accomplishment!

I’ve wanted a shelf for above our bed since we moved into this house.  It’s super simple construction, but simple and clean is what I was going for.  Well, simple and affordable really.  ; )   I had fun making it and I love all the little trips to the hardware store that even the teeniest projects (especially the building/woodworking kind) seem to inspire/require.

I LOVE hardware stores!

Here it is!

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By the way, I picked up those metal letters on HUGE sale at Hobby Lobby.  I know they have good sales pretty often, so if you like them and want something similar, or to spell out your own word, I’d check in there and wait around a bit for one to come around!  It’s like Pottery Barn on the a la’ cheap.  So you can make the furniture at home, all the while getting a bonus “creation high,” and pick up the accessories for a fair price!