There are times that I wish I could let myself fall apart more. Somehow, those are never the times when I actually am falling apart. I will stop myself from falling apart even if it means a permanent ending to everything. The times I fall apart are like the short breaks between bricks. The places where the grout lays.
Clearly, there is more brick than grout, but without the grout the bricks most likely would topple over and never stand or do the job they are typically created to do….and I’m not getting into physics and the possibility of that. I know there must be exceptions to needing grout out there somewhere. But I’m talking about what I know.
I don’t actually know that much about construction and building materials either, but that also doesn’t really matter right now.
My point is that I need to fall apart, but I also need to stay together. I have to be both the brick and the mortar. (Oh yeah, I think mortar is what it’s called? Grout is for stuff like ceramic tiles, right??? I don’t know. But this is also not the point.)
I’m trying to understand myself.
I just know that sometime I lose it. I fall apart and I fall apart Big. But not often enough. But falling apart just once is too much!
I feel so stuck.
Maybe I just need to take down the wall. Maybe I don’t need more (or less) falling apart.
Maybe I just need no more walls.
Fear is the glue. (Glue now, not grout or mortar.)
Fear is static and unmoving. Fear causes crumbling. Fear leads to crashing.
I know I’m speaking in weird metaphors that probably don’t even go together. It”s hard to face where I am in this–because I don’t really know where I am. And this is part of the whole issue.
Am I strong? Am I weak? Am I needy? Am I too much? Am I not enough?
I need help. I can’t do this alone. I can’t be the wall and decide about what to do with the wall at the same time. There are too many directions at once. Repair it? Take it down? Keep some, change some?
I don’t know what to do with me right now.
I’m used to being it all. The brick, the mortar, the builder and the one who climbs on, around or over the wall when it’s all done.
The problem is…it’s never done.
It’s a lot of upkeep now and it complicates life rather than making it necessarily better.
But the prospect of subbing (sub-contracting) this out is end-of-the-world frightening.
It means trusting, at least a little bit, and not being entirely in control of where things go, at least for a little bit. I can still sort of have a say about things, but, in a way…I have to step back.
I write this like I have a choice about doing this.
It’s really already happening without me.
The memories are breaking through my wall(s). People morph in and out of the reality of who they really are. It’s hard to keep track of past and present.
I’m rattled all the time. I tremor. My fine motor skills are already gone and I worry about it progressing to more major movements like even walking or standing.
So I write this like I have a choice about letting-go.
The death-grip I’ve had on my life isn’t working anymore.
I have already written this post several times in my head tonight, so forgive me if it doesn’t seem fresh. If it helps at all I still don’t really know what I’m going to say. I often feel that way, and not just here or when I’m writing. It’s just me being typical me. And being me, typically, gets me in trouble sometimes.
I’m hoping this isn’t one of those times though. I’m never actually wanting to get myself into trouble. (Usually.)
I’m surprised I’m seeming so chipper because I’ve actually been feeling more on the blue side. I apologize if what I’m offering here is all really a defense mechanism against feeling sad.
Despite (or because of) feeling a lot of feelings lately, I have been super busy.
And just the other night realized I’ve completed several projects that I’ve talked about here and haven’t had a chance to share the results. I guess that might say something about my focus. My favorite part of any project is the process of it. I’m always happy to complete something and actually getting something done is one of my strongest motivations, but I’m more of an experiencer. It’s the “problem solver” part of me. For instance, if I’m building something and it collapses under the weight of the drill I’m excited for the challenge it presents. Even if the “F” bomb does slip out first…we don’t have to actually tell that part, right? ha.
Anyway…Since I’m playing catch-up here I’m going to post a couple of 2 for 1 pics….
My first sewing project EVER! (Because the gym bag that mean home ec teacher forced me to make in 7th grade doesn’t count.)
I finally finished my sweet stuffed cat with a likeness to me! I posted about her several weeks ago when she was still turned every which way and outside-in.
She survived her insides coming out!
My sewing teacher did help me get her where she needed to be though. She said she was good at getting that done because she had birthed big babies. By the time I was ready to stuff the poor girl there wasn’t a lot of breathing room at the opening.
You might notice she’s a friendly, sociable cat, and not too afraid to enjoy life too. She is perpetually waving her hand in the air “like she just don’t care,” because I made her that way. (Which means I had to detach and affix her arm in the finishing stages due to an error and her character comes from overcoming that obstacle.)
So here she is…and she’s sitting on top of the rolling storage cart I completed last week!
What do you think?
2 for 1: cat and storage cart creation
So this brings me to the storage cart creation!
My storage cart also gets its character due to some less-than-perfect conditions in its lifetime! Imagine that.
Originally, there was no staggering planned. (That’s what they all say, right.) And I didn’t have a single beer the whole time I was making this thing.
But as the actual building proceeded it was clear that my measurements weren’t exactly exact. So I improvised! Hence, the staggered stacking of the layered shelving units.
In the end I think the cart looks reminiscent of a beehive box and that makes me pretty happy. Although, I think beehive boxes are a little more square….
I thought I’d include a few more views of my storage cart so you can look at it to make one of your own if you want (and stagger the boxes purposefully.) Or message me and I’ll make one for you and for the low price of $1,000 shipping and handling I’m make one for you and ship it, imperfectly finished and all, straight to your door. (This thing is no lightweight and can hold its own…and should last a million years.)
In further developments I also finished my “flower painting.” I put it in quotations because it also turned into something a little different from anticipated.
I said in my last post that I would post pictures of it and I am all about the follow-thru, so here it is.
Not all it was to become…When the flower painting was still a flower
I figured I would start where we left off….
The following photos show the process from this point to its end/beginning…
etching “love me” (request)
etchings…”dear flower” (sound familiar?) and “VOICE”
white covering the stigma (center) of the flower
Painting marks on the canvas as an expression of “listening” …simply looking and responding with attention and care, not knowing the details (the whys, the what fors, or what’s this going to get me?)
In hindsight, I think this might have been where I could have stopped…maybe…maybe my next word should be “trust” and “listen even more”
adding in (and covering over) black…and pink
turning the canvas, adding blue and orange
working on bird
final bird close-up
In the end I am not too sure if I exactly love my “flower painting.”
BUT…what I love about the process of my flower painting is that I didn’t stop. I didn’t give up on it. And I learned a lot through working on it. I do feel that where I chose to stop is a better spot than where I started from and through all the layers and all the restarts and false finishes I stayed with it.
I GREW from it….
and my stem is reaching just a tad bit higher toward the light for it.
It did wear me out too, though. And I’m a bit wore out now! And I’ve told my therapist I’m working on getting to sleep at a half-way decent hour. (and it’s 1:33am now…actually early for me! 😉 Supposedly sleep helps people function better, but whatever. What do neuroscientist know!? ha 😉
I guess this leaves me little time for reflections and commentary on the flower painting process, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to it. I’m sure I’ll be talking more about the stuff that comes up for me while I’m painting as I post more of my paintings though, so why attempt to tire myself of it now, anyway…
I was actually planning on working on a rather large developing painting tonight (with a certain exciting image from last weeks photos in it,) but that’s out too now, I’m realizing…
Doctor’s orders say I must sleep to dream…so this is it for now.
There is actually even more going on and more updates to fill you in on, so the plan is to be back before another week passes me by!
More paintings, more photos, more life and more light to come! 🙂
I really did change the format/presentation of my blog.
I figured since I was already in construction mode, why not? I had my circular saw out already today anyway!
First time using the circular saw!
As with everything else, I probably won’t get this all figured out immediately, but my goal is to understand how to work within this layout better by tomorrow. (I need to figure out the formatting of pages, widgets, custom options, etc.) This format should offer me more options and it changes the “feel” of things. I hope it will offer a little more space and make it easier to read and view images.
In other construction news… I was able to follow through on getting one step closer to completing my current build project…the rolling storage cart! I am afraid I might become addicted to cutting wood. I really loved working with the cut-off saw, but these power tools have a way with me! I’m all over the circular saw now, and I hear there will be access to a jigsaw soon! The possibilities really are endless.
Using a power tool makes me feel strong,capable and effective which are all feelings I like. Using them also conveniently has the side-effect of helping me make cool and useful things! I like building. I like things that function–Most of all when that “thing”…is ME! : )
I’ve been pretty busy, but not too busy to think about Life With Light. In fact, I guess I’ve partly been busy because so much of my attention has turned to this “life with light.” Sometimes the days just seem to slip away…and the day becomes more like an inhabited friendly oasis rather than the harsh desert island I’ve been accustomed to in the past.
My Friendly Oasis on Wednesday
This week me and one of my best friends began a woodworking/building project together! You can see there are 2 sanding blocks there. We “turned our doing dials up a notch” ala Home Depot, lol. My friend gave me that line 🙂 She always makes me laugh. She’s the kind of friend I can laugh with and cry with in the same day…or even within the same minute. I count myself pretty lucky, fortunate, blessed… (take your mix n’ match of the assortment,) to have her in my life. We’ve known each other since we were kids…have been in each other’s weddings…that kind of friends. We’ve been through a lot together, even during times we were apart, often living sort of seemingly parallel lives.
So I have this to share…a great big burst of light in my my life if you ask me!
This week we bonded over the cut-off saw in my garage…
We got as far as sanding and painting these boards which I was pretty proud of! I’m hoping to work on the completion sometime this weekend. The weather outside looks good, so as long as the weather indoors stays as calm then I will hopefully have a storage cart on wheels by the time Monday rolls around…complete with victory pics to share! (Crossing fingers, toes, and a few hairs.)
If you’ve been reading my blog you’ll probably remember me talking about my euphoric discovery of Instagram and my reformation of the repugnance I once had for digital photography. You won’t believe what I’ve uncovered now! I am forever humbled. My former repugnance is regrettable.
Another thing that has had me busy this week is this!
And I was even more humbled when I learned there are even people who consider themselves to be iPhoneography Purists!? iPhone purists! I never knew!
I am SO SLOW.
My husband laughed at me because he tried to get me into digital when we were dating, but I would have nothing of it. I’m too embarrassed to even admit to the things I said about “lowly digital.” LOL. And now I’m begging him to go to Photoshop World with me! I have had to swallow some pretty big words and eat a lot of humble pie.
I haven’t actually even had the chance to experiment with any new apps. I was thinking Instagram was the schizz, but I guess there’s more out there to explore. haha.
It’s a bit hard to not have all the time in the world to traverse all these extraordinary ventures. These discoveries have kept my mind going at a good speed, which is necessary because I apparently I have a lot of catching up to do. But when it comes to all this newfangled stuff I have to approach my discoveries more as a section-hike and not a thru-hike for now…(hiker lingo) Oh…and just to think of all the photos that could be unearthed on this hike!
I cannot wait to dig into digital and see how I can pal around with it in the area of art therapy!
Patience will be a personal challenge on this one.
And an update on the rest of life…well, what is the rest of life anyway?
What if the rest of life was just like all the above…happy to be alive?
I was sitting, thinking the other day which doesn’t happen very often…sitting. Of course, I’m sitting here typing now, but it’s a luxury called naptime that also seems to be very short-lived. I was thinking, wondering how in the world there are so many blogs written by so many women with children…mother artists, mother writers, mother seamstresses, mother crafters and cookers and bakers and sellers of creative wares.
What the heck!?
That’s what I was thinking. How on earth do they do this and all that too!???
And then I was thinking about my blog and thinking…ok, so I collaborated in making a baby. Is that not creation enough for a good long while?
Of course, no. Babies are a whole other topic. But still…
I feel sick if I’m not thinking about making, prepping something or flat out creating (my favorite.)
I was so sick of sitting there.
So to make myself feel better I got up (even though I’d just had (minor)surgery less than 48 hours earlier) and started to build me and my husband a bookshelf/dvd/xbox shelf for our bedroom. The cords have been all over the floor and even though it’s great that it’s been an aid in teaching our 10 month old the meaning of “No cords.” it’s getting a little worn out now!
It’s time something be done.
Magic Wand...my style
And did you know…Home Depot is open on Easter Sunday!
God knows me so well.
And my husband was home to hold the baby while I got down and dirty.
Hopefully, if all the rest follows in my favor I will have a completed project in the next day or two!
But I still am on a mission to figure out how those other mothers get so much accomplished…because my baby just woke up! How do they do it!??? There will be no time for editing today! (And definitely not photoshop.)
Painting 2 x 4's ...Anything is possible with some 2 x 4's and a little paint...and someone to hold the baby!