Info

My Art Therapy Journey

Posts tagged Change

Even though the good times come, I wish they would stay longer.

 

I’m greedy with them.

 

I didn’t even share.  I was scared they would disappear.

 

Now they are gone and nothing to show.

 

Nothing to bring me back.

 

Just silent desperation.

 

And words.

 

 

Advertisements

 

 

There are times that I wish I could let myself fall apart more.  Somehow,  those are never the times when I actually am falling apart. I will stop myself from falling apart even if it means a permanent ending to everything.  The times I fall apart are like the short breaks between bricks.  The places where the grout lays.

Clearly, there is more brick than grout, but without the grout the bricks most likely  would topple over and never stand or do the job they are typically created to do….and I’m not getting into physics and the possibility of that.  I know there must be exceptions to needing grout out there somewhere.  But I’m talking about what I know.

I don’t actually know that much about construction and building materials either, but that also doesn’t really matter right now.

My point is that I need to fall apart, but I also need to stay together.  I have to be both the brick and the mortar.  (Oh yeah, I think mortar is what it’s called?  Grout is for stuff like ceramic tiles, right???  I don’t know.  But this is also not the point.)

 

I’m trying to understand myself.

 

I just know that sometime I lose it.  I fall apart and I fall apart Big.  But not often enough.  But falling apart just once is too much!

I feel so stuck.

 

Maybe I just need to take down the wall.  Maybe I don’t need more (or less) falling apart.

Maybe I just need no more walls.

 

Fear is the glue.  (Glue now, not grout or mortar.)

 

Fear is static and unmoving.  Fear causes crumbling.  Fear leads to crashing.

 

I know I’m speaking in weird metaphors that probably don’t even go together.  It”s hard to face where I am in this–because I don’t really know where I am.  And this is part of the whole issue.

 

Am I strong?  Am I weak?  Am I needy?  Am I too much?  Am I not enough?

 

I need help.  I can’t do this alone.  I can’t be the wall and decide about what to do with the wall at the same time.  There are too many directions at once.  Repair it?  Take it down?  Keep some, change some?

I don’t know what to do with me right now.

I’m vulnerable.

I’m used to being it all.  The brick, the mortar, the builder and the one who climbs on, around or over the wall when it’s all done.

The problem is…it’s never done.

It’s a lot of upkeep now and it complicates life rather than making it necessarily better.

But the prospect of subbing (sub-contracting) this out is end-of-the-world frightening.

It means trusting, at least a little bit, and not being entirely in control of where things go, at least for a little bit.  I can still sort of have a say about things, but, in a way…I have to step back.

I write this like I have a choice about doing this.

It’s really already happening without me.

The memories are breaking through my wall(s).  People morph in and out of the reality of who they really are.  It’s hard to keep track of past and present.

I’m rattled all the time.  I tremor.  My fine motor skills are already gone and I worry about it progressing to more major movements like even walking or standing.

So I write this like I have a choice about letting-go.

The death-grip I’ve had on my life isn’t working anymore.

 

 

 

 

+ high-res version

It’s not just you.  Or your computer.

I really did change the format/presentation of my blog.

I figured since I was already in construction mode, why not?  I had my circular saw out already today anyway!

First time using the circular saw!

 

As with everything else, I probably won’t get this all figured out immediately, but my goal is to understand how to work within this layout better by tomorrow. (I need to figure out the formatting of pages, widgets, custom options, etc.) This format should offer me more options and it changes the “feel” of things.  I hope it will offer a little more space and make it easier to read and view images.

 

In other construction news… I was able to follow through on getting one step closer to completing my current build project…the rolling storage cart!  I am afraid I might become addicted to cutting wood.  I really loved working with the cut-off saw, but these power tools have a way with me!  I’m all over the circular saw now, and I hear there will be access to a jigsaw soon!  The possibilities really are endless.

 

Using a power tool makes me feel strong,capable and effective which are all feelings I like.  Using them also conveniently has the side-effect of  helping me make cool and useful things!  I like building.  I like things that function–Most of all when that “thing”…is ME! : )

 

My Saw and Me : )

 

+ high-res version

I’ve been pretty busy, but not too busy to think about Life With Light.  In fact, I guess I’ve partly been busy because so much of my attention has turned to this “life with light.”    Sometimes the days just seem to slip away…and the day becomes more like an inhabited friendly oasis rather than the harsh desert island I’ve been accustomed to in the past.

My Friendly Oasis on Wednesday

This week me and one of my best friends began a woodworking/building project together!  You can see there are 2 sanding blocks there.  We “turned our doing dials up a notch” ala Home Depot, lol.  My friend gave me that line 🙂  She always makes me laugh.  She’s the kind of friend I can laugh with and cry with in the same day…or even within the same minute.  I count myself pretty lucky, fortunate, blessed… (take your mix n’ match of the assortment,) to have her in my life.  We’ve known each other since we were kids…have been in each other’s weddings…that kind of friends.   We’ve been through a lot together, even during times we were apart, often living sort of seemingly parallel lives.

So I have this to share…a great big burst of light in my my life if you ask me!

This week we bonded over the cut-off saw in my garage…

We got as far as sanding and painting these boards which I was pretty proud of!  I’m hoping to work on the completion sometime this weekend.  The weather outside looks good, so as long as the weather indoors stays as calm then I will hopefully have a storage cart on wheels by the time Monday rolls around…complete with victory pics to share!  (Crossing fingers, toes, and a few hairs.)

**

If you’ve been reading my blog you’ll probably remember me talking about my euphoric discovery of Instagram  and my reformation of the repugnance I once had for digital photography.  You won’t believe what I’ve uncovered now!   I am forever humbled.  My former repugnance is regrettable.

Another thing that has had me busy this week is this!

The Art of iPhoneography: A Guide to Mobile Creativity

And!

iPhone Obsessed: Photo Editing Experiments with Apps

And I was even more humbled when I learned there are even people who consider themselves to be  iPhoneography Purists!?  iPhone purists!  I never knew!

I am SO SLOW.

My husband laughed at me because he tried to get me into digital when we were dating, but I would have nothing of it.  I’m too embarrassed to even admit to the things I said about “lowly digital.” LOL.  And now I’m begging him to go to Photoshop World with me!  I have had to swallow some pretty big words and eat a lot of humble pie.

I haven’t actually even had the chance to experiment with any new apps.  I was thinking Instagram was the schizz, but I guess there’s more out there to explore. haha.

It’s a bit hard to not have all the time in the world to traverse all these extraordinary ventures.   These discoveries have  kept my mind going at a good speed, which is necessary because I apparently I have a lot of catching up to do.  But when it comes to all this newfangled stuff  I have to approach my discoveries more as a section-hike and not a thru-hike for now…(hiker lingo)  Oh…and just to think of all the photos that could be unearthed on this hike!

I cannot wait to dig into digital and see how I can pal around with it in the area of art therapy!

Patience will be a personal challenge on this one.

**

And an update on the rest of life…well, what is the rest of life anyway?

What if the rest of life was just like all the above…happy to be alive?

What if…something to think about.

And maybe something to feel.

Mary and Max.  I might be the last person on the face of this planet to watch this film,  seeing as how there are 1,250,000 views on YouTube of  its original trailer (and at least two handfuls of awards!).  But for the chance that I’m not the last one, I’m compelled to share about it here. [And if you haven’t seen it, then I am sure you are not the last one either.  But you might want to look this one up to be sure you don’t become that person!]

Ok, so I really liked it.  I’m not a great reviewer, but I am fantastic at exclaiming, “You must see this!”     I have to admit that I didn’t see a few parts because I had to run out of the room for other things a few times, but the film was so good that I plan on watching the whole thing again just to catch the small bits I missed.  There is also the chance that I’m adoring  Mary and Max so much because they got me/my life so well in certain ways.  So if you watch it and don’t like it, don’t blame me.  You’ve been informed.  And me/my life is not always completely normal. ; )    Make of it what you will!

As a disclaimer I would say this is an animation I would definitely reserve for adult, or at least mature teen viewers. It’s not exactly one to pop in for the kids on Saturday morning cartoon fest. ; )

FYI: I watched Mary and Max on Netflix, so if you have access to their  instant streaming movies you’re in luck!

I’d love to hear if you’ve already seen this, or if you haven’t… what you thought about it after you’ve had the chance!

Today during Shavasana at the end of my yoga class we  (the class) were guided into a place we dream of, any place we’d like.

I have my place.  I know right where it is.  It’s actually somewhere I’ve had the grace to really sit, even though I had seen it inside me before I was ever there in person.

When I found my place…that special place in the world that is just mine…I knew it.  It was the place I had escaped to for  years.  It was like a working of faith.

But  my place in the world is a really small space in the grand scheme of things.  And when I place myself back in that special place in the world that’s mine, the scope is usually just enough for me to cram myself into it, barely.   I can rarely see anything around me or even see myself.  The surrounding areas are dark and I don’t have access to the full picture.  I get a very limited view, but I’m always excited this place is open to me at all (in my mind.)

Today something was different.  My place, the workings of my faith changed and opened up.  The story grew.

I was on my rock in the meadow, woods all around.  And then I got up and started to move.  And bears (my most feared animal and creature of nightmares) started coming to the edge of the woods where my place in the meadow begins.  They came and they would not cross over into my meadow.  They stood and watched me.  The bears couldn’t get me…Why?  Because I was dancing.  I danced in the fear and the joy was enough to stun them into awe.  They could only watch me…and never eat me.  I was stronger than the fear.  I knew they were there and I still danced.  I danced and leapt  and swung myself around and I ran and jumped like a giddy little girl.  My body knew no pain.

At the end of this sort of meditation, one more piece of the picture appeared in the frame: People who have hurt me.

Those people, like the bears at the edge of the woods, could not get me.  They could only watch in utter amazement at the life of me.

And I….could only be free.

(Image Source)