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My Art Therapy Journey

Posts tagged dark

The Selflessness of Dreams

(the unedited and unproofread version…proceed with caution and coffee if you’re the slightest bit tired and still interested)

It’s not that nothing has been going on.  In fact, most people could probably attest that when they are most quiet is when quite a lot is actually “going in.”

…But how to define “going on?”

 

What is it I have been so busy with?

I could probably come up with a physical list only a few items deep:  Being a family woman, a mother, a student….but then there’s something missing.

Something actually just a bit bigger than all of those labels, actually.

I have to admit I have mostly been busy being me.  That’s right.  Just me.

I know I fill those roles and they matter a ton to me, though I couldn’t individually weigh them.

But really, I feel like the biggest, most expansive, consuming thing that’s been going on lately is just me…living.  Me living includes being married and those responsibilities, as well as being a mother and all those personal investments, but there’s been even more.

Life right now is filled with being created.  I create along the way, I step back, I let things happen to me.  I let this other force I feel in my life actually touch me.  What I feel touching me is somewhat undefined, but there is no question of its presence.  I’m being made into something/someone new…at least different.  At the same time I feel myself returning to who I always was…who I was before my time ever even began.

This sounds mystical.  A little off?

It sounds, even to me, like I could be having some kind of psychosis or delusions…..

But I’m pretty sure that if that is what I am experiencing then life exists squarely in the mix of it and that I am not alone in it either.  The fact that you, too, are here verifies that you are in this with me also, does it not?  Sorry, no exemptions.  You’re here or you’re not.  Are you here?  That can be a challenging question at time…I know for myself.

But then, life is not always so clear-cut.  Sometimes it is possible to be two places at once.  I know this, also as fact, for myself.

 

Everything has been in a wild sort of shift.  Motherhood, my student body, and wifedom.  My three most prominent schedulers right now.

But then, there’s that other player…Me.  And while “Me” is made up of those other things,  ”Me” is defined as one with spirit….

And so I have grappled with my spirituality.

Spirituality, which for me, is so closely tied to every cell within me.  And every cell, which is so closely tied to memory.  And memory to history…and history to, well….everything that has ever existed, seen or unseen.

 

Wow, I’m not proofreading and editing as I go so this could be a long, wandering ramble.

Probably the more people get to know me, the more strange I seem.  Or maybe I’m just flattering myself with that thought.  Suppressed egotism.  It’s got to be in there somewhere.

Besides, I’m just talking about all of this nonsense because I’m deathly afraid of sharing my real feelings.

 

Like the pains and the loneliness.  The everyday defeats and how even triumphs sometimes pang me.

This is part of “Me” and all the busyness, I know…but I’d rather come off as completely crazy than talk about these potentially understandable feelings.

 

Lately, I’ve been more present in my life, though it wouldn’t seem like it probably in this “letter.”

Some days I handle it better than others.

Today is kind of a rough one.

But I’m here, so this could, perhaps, be counted as a panged triumph, for an example of that pang I just spoke of.

 

Last night, which I suspect was actually very early this morning, I had a most odd of oddly dreams.  (But then, everything has been a bit odd seeming lately.)

It’s definitely one of those dreams to write to your therapist about (which I may well do, for good measure.)

I was in this house, and it was supposedly a house I knew somehow, but I’m not actually sure of the details.  But anyway, I was in this house of sorts and it was like at some point I was in this house with other people and we were all being led on a house tour.  And we got to this part of the tour and there was this passageway and it was so very, very, extremely narrow and all that could be seen was dark inside of it.  There was no way of telling what was in this passageway.  But to get through the tour and to eventually exit the house you had to go through this tunnel.   I saw someone else go up the tunnel.  They just walked up the steps and continued up through the covered passage (step were going up like a ladder) and disappeared.  No sounds or noise.  No commotion or cries for help.  They simply disappeared as if they had never been there.  And the guide for this tour was leading me to this spot and I neared it and felt my hands around the opening and I stopped there, not going further.  People were behind me talking amongst themselves, seemingly unconcerned about this passage.  (It had a very Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland /Charlie and the Chocolate Factory feel to the atmosphere…dark, strange, otherworldly) And the leader finally addressed me and said for me to go through this passage and I voiced my concern that the passageway was too small and tight for me and that I would get stuck (um….yeah, I am an artist, but NOT a fiction writer…I swear I am not making this up!)   He said it would be fine and to just go.

***This ends my account of my dream***

Except, I think I went into the passageway and I don’t really remember the rest.

Cliffhanger?

I’m not sure, but I’m a bit uneasy about sleep tonight, as if I am ever really easy about it!

 

I want comfort.  I want something or someone to come hold me and assure me that it really isok and that it really IS going to be alright, and I really am not too fat.  Because I’ve been dealing with extreme body feelings along with everything else too.

But right now it seems there is no comfort.  There’s just this narrow passageway I have to go into alone.  It seems like a place to experience every fear I have ever had.  Alone.

And maybe that is the biggest fear of all…Abandonment? Death?

For sure the feeling of Loneliness has been consciously tantamount.  So why would I need a dream about it??!

Maybe this is about something else entirely different, after-all.

I just wish I could figure it out so I could move on to a different dream….

Better dreams….

And on the subject of dreams….Being a dreamer can be lonely…and now maybe I understand that just a little bit better/deeper/differently.

 

One of the first papers I ever wrote in college for Composition I nearly 12 years ago (I was something like 21 years old) was titled “Dream’s Reality” covering Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams.  What can I say, Ambition is not just a fad for me.

 

All these years later and I’m still not a professional therapist.  I went the professional client route, I’m selfless.

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It is scary to unravel in the light.

Light means awareness and awareness means seeing what was once in the dark.  Sometimes things in the dark, once revealed, are not so scary anymore.  Like the classic monster in the bedroom…that isn’t.  But sometimes there really is a monster in the bedroom.

More children’s books should probably talk about this so it can help us grow into adults that can face reality.

Monsters exist…and not just in the dark.

Sometimes the light in the room is flipped on and the monster is real and tries to eat you alive.

This particular revelation of the light is dark…I don’t mean for it to be dark, but I’m scared and angry at the monsters.

It is beyond-words scary to come to life sometimes.

I have travelled in the dark.  I guess I battled fear  in the dark sometimes  too, but I could look at the beasts lurking around me and tell myself they weren’t real.  They were just my imagination playing tricks on me…just a shadow that couldn’t hurt me.

I sometimes find reality to  be unappealing now that I’m learning the truth.  But I guess the greatness of light is that reality can be changed into something better.

There are also good things….good feelings.  Gifts.  Flowers. Laughter.  Love.

And still, always there can be Hope when the feelings don’t feel so good.

I just think it’s important to say that sometimes it’s not all rosy.  There is a lot that makes me want to shut my eyes again and say, “I’m not here.  I’m not here.  I’m not here and neither are the monsters.”  Oh, but to believe the lies.

They are there.  Here.  Me, the “monsters,” my life….it all has existed through all this time.

*

Yesterday I walked into the kitchen with my toddler, preparing to make her breakfast.  I flipped on the light and…  This is what started off my day.

I am rewriting the story, or in this case…maybe the song.

It was not so Itsy Bitsy.

It also did not go up the spout again.

It’s hard to believe I am here.

No…it’s really hard to believe I am here.

Today was a rough one.  It didn’t go down smooth.  You know you need to put the flashers on and call for backup when the first thing you wake up to is a no-show refrigerator repair man (who intentionally blocks his phone number and leaves you with no means of contacting him after you miss his call) who you’ve anticipated for over a week.  But he did leave his name…I’m sorry to all the Pete’s I meet for the rest of my life who I just seem to not like for some reason now.

But really, today was so bad I’m not really going to say too much about it because I’m afraid to get it going again after it has just nearly ended.   Just try to believe me when I say it was over more than just not having cold milk.

It was a little more life and death than that.  At least for me.

But I am still coming through on my word.  I took these photos today.  I’m proud of myself that I haven’t had to resort to digging into photo reserves to keep this blog alive.

I’m trying to keep from having to go there…because there’s not a whole lot of reserves for me right now.  So, I’m always so thankful for the light that’s there for me everyday, even on the days I just want to be over…forever.