I would rather my journey be all smiles. Smiles are prettier. Most people are attracted to a smiling face. I know this is true, but the deeper-me wonders if there’s a chance some people could also possibly be drawn to truth…the whole truth. And the truth is that I definitely am not always all-smiles.
Sometimes it seems like people blogging about their supposed journey are all-smiles. And maybe some of them actually are? But I’m guessing sometimes they really aren’t smiling…even when you see them smiling in a pic-of-the-day on their blog.
Or maybe I’m just cranky today.
Well, anyway, this isn’t about anyone else’s journey and I’m not trying to criticize how anyone else copes with life. I’m having a hard time surrendering my smile today because that’s what I want to be there…but what if it’s just not? I’m just saying that I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t wear the smile all the time, the fake ones in-particular. (And do the people who only ever shine a smiling face realize how depressed that makes the real people out there feel…because they aren’t always “smiling” like them? Yes, a smile is always appreciated when genuine and I have no intention of being a Debbie-Downer (my name’s not Debbie, and I have no idea where that term came from so if your name is Debbie it’s nothing directed toward you, super-promise…but gah! 365 Days of Smiles? Well…maybe! Maybe next year’s blog!! (Seriously) Anyway, I’m getting off track and cheering myself up on accident, lol.) Some days are really hard and I feel them as hard. Ironically, I often feel better when I just acknowledge when maybe a day didn’t go as I had planned or hoped for it to go, which is always good. I do generally want to smile.
It’s a hard thing to contend with. Desires and reality. Hopes and disappointments. Growing and acknowledging ample room to grow into maturity.
And maturity, wow…I always wanted to be mature when I was a little girl. I just always wanted to be done with feeling so small…as in stupid…as in what I thought being emotional was. I wanted to know things! I wanted to know them and be them…’them’ meaning…wise. Foresight.
Here I am…32, often feeling (and being) like such a little girl still, and learning by hindsight. Maybe I’m old now and maybe I’m not old. Age is so relative because whoever knows when the end of life is? Well, at least I think it’s unknown when not at their own hand, and even in that scenario there can never be certainties…which on some days is the only thing that has kept me around this strange uncertain, yet certain, sphere of living.
I wasn’t really planning on writing any of this, so I have no idea what my unconscious might have blurted out here that I’m not ready to answer to…or that any of it follows a coherent line. I was just going to post a couple of self-portrait Instagram’s I took today of how I was feeling.
I wasn’t really in a “talking mood” when I started out.
I’m still not sure if I really am…?
Feelings From Today: The Truth
But I do feel better now! (Smile)