I wish that swallowing a multi would fix it all. It swims down my insides and bursts into my stomach with a jolt. A shock…defibrillation. Everyday, the all clear comes…again, again, again. Dissolving and resolving to resuscitate my cells. No cell left unturned. No man for himself. Scratching out of form into my blood. Giving into itself. Singling out no one. Saving the many lives within me.
Am I the only one who ever imagines a vitamin this way?
I am here because the pain is too much. I participated in the recent routine of watching an episode of Breaking Bad with my husband and opening my mind to sleep, but my body isn’t cooperating. The pain has been intense today…it has been growing all week. Growing, growing so fast that I would like to graduate it on out of my body. But then where would it go? Into someone else’s body? Maybe this pain is my way of helping, contributing in a way, to the world.
Maybe I should be able to help it that my body cannibalizes itself. It scares me. It stops me in my tracks. There’s nowhere to go. But here. Here to cope. Here to express.
Therapy of my making.
It does help me. It helps to get it out. And I’m ok with it as long as I stay responsible for it. Responsible for how all this works itself out.
I’ve known a lot of hurting people in my life. Scary people. People who took their pain out on me. And there is a part of me that does understand that now. Maybe it’s a part of me that my multi-vitamin has reached and has provided insight. But mostly, the rest of me still suffers from other’s pain as it attempts healing.
I learned infliction so well though, I think. So easy to administer…like with a spoon.
I try to make myself better, to stop the pain, and yank the spoon out of my hand.
But the hurting is still there. It just moves, moving closer and closer to be fed.
It badgers me.
I will starve it. Starve the pain until finally, even if slowly, it goes away.
Nourishment itself inflicts me.
My body tries to speak to me. I try to listen.
It is hard to listen.
I crave art because it is the safest way to hear. And the clearest.
I’m working on getting working in art. It’s taking time, precious time. Soon though. It will be soon, and in the meantime, I build. I create a space for it to live…to just be.
Thinking about this brings me some relief, even as the internal chewing of my flesh continues.
Some days are much better than this. Some days I don’t hurt like this. Some days there is relief.
And I will keep swallowing the pill.
Photos from a recent trip to the park…all of my park pictures so far are from the same section of path.
These remind me of bones….