Sometimes I get tired and seeking solace isn’t very solacing. To expect is to work. But still, I find myself doing it, even, or especially, in the hours of greatest exhaustion. Tiredness leads to forgetfulness. And I don’t know what forgetfulness leads to…because I forget.
Growing is also work, but it is usually supposedly good for you. Growing pains. Is there anyone that doesn’t know about those?
I rise and fall. I grow and seek solace.
My heart has a full ache and I try to fill it with more.
I wish that swallowing a multi would fix it all. It swims down my insides and bursts into my stomach with a jolt. A shock…defibrillation. Everyday, the all clear comes…again, again, again. Dissolving and resolving to resuscitate my cells. No cell left unturned. No man for himself. Scratching out of form into my blood. Giving into itself. Singling out no one. Saving the many lives within me.
Am I the only one who ever imagines a vitamin this way?
I am here because the pain is too much. I participated in the recent routine of watching an episode of Breaking Bad with my husband and opening my mind to sleep, but my body isn’t cooperating. The pain has been intense today…it has been growing all week. Growing, growing so fast that I would like to graduate it on out of my body. But then where would it go? Into someone else’s body? Maybe this pain is my way of helping, contributing in a way, to the world.
Maybe I should be able to help it that my body cannibalizes itself. It scares me. It stops me in my tracks. There’s nowhere to go. But here. Here to cope. Here to express.
Therapy of my making.
It does help me. It helps to get it out. And I’m ok with it as long as I stay responsible for it. Responsible for how all this works itself out.
I’ve known a lot of hurting people in my life. Scary people. People who took their pain out on me. And there is a part of me that does understand that now. Maybe it’s a part of me that my multi-vitamin has reached and has provided insight. But mostly, the rest of me still suffers from other’s pain as it attempts healing.
I learned infliction so well though, I think. So easy to administer…like with a spoon.
I try to make myself better, to stop the pain, and yank the spoon out of my hand.
But the hurting is still there. It just moves, moving closer and closer to be fed.
It badgers me.
I will starve it. Starve the pain until finally, even if slowly, it goes away.
Nourishment itself inflicts me.
My body tries to speak to me. I try to listen.
It is hard to listen.
I crave art because it is the safest way to hear. And the clearest.
I’m working on getting working in art. It’s taking time, precious time. Soon though. It will be soon, and in the meantime, I build. I create a space for it to live…to just be.
Thinking about this brings me some relief, even as the internal chewing of my flesh continues.
Some days are much better than this. Some days I don’t hurt like this. Some days there is relief.
And I will keep swallowing the pill.
Photos from a recent trip to the park…all of my park pictures so far are from the same section of path.
These remind me of bones….
This is a picture of the ceiling in our “breakfast nook.”
Yesterday a piece of the ceiling was removed
The other day when I noticed our ceiling coming apart, I realized we had a leak.
What you see is the floor to our second story and pipes that transport water from upstairs.
Nobody could figure out where the leak was coming from.
The plumber came and took a guess. He dismantled our toilet…
…but his guess was wrong. We then had a bad leak in addition to no toilet.
He wouldn’t reinstall our toilet without charging us $750 dollars to fix it because it hadn’t originally been installed “to code,” even though that’s not where the leak was from.
I told the plumber to leave. Without re-installing the toilet, thank you.
My husband had the friend that helped remodel our house come over to find the source of the problem.
They fixed it while I was at book club. All better.
This morning my husband took a shower. And I took a bath.
…When I fell into the slip-and-slide on the breakfast nook floor.
It’s still leaking. We think we know it’s from the shower. But the leak is a mystery.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF ME.
I have a leak.
It happens sometimes after I put my daughter down for a nap.
The water comes from someplace deep inside my soul…and leaves a path that is hard to trace.
I’m not sure if I will ever find the true source of tears.
And if I do…if it will be repairable.
The questions and concerns grow as I sit…exposed.
I was sitting, thinking the other day which doesn’t happen very often…sitting. Of course, I’m sitting here typing now, but it’s a luxury called naptime that also seems to be very short-lived. I was thinking, wondering how in the world there are so many blogs written by so many women with children…mother artists, mother writers, mother seamstresses, mother crafters and cookers and bakers and sellers of creative wares.
What the heck!?
That’s what I was thinking. How on earth do they do this and all that too!???
And then I was thinking about my blog and thinking…ok, so I collaborated in making a baby. Is that not creation enough for a good long while?
Of course, no. Babies are a whole other topic. But still…
I feel sick if I’m not thinking about making, prepping something or flat out creating (my favorite.)
I was so sick of sitting there.
So to make myself feel better I got up (even though I’d just had (minor)surgery less than 48 hours earlier) and started to build me and my husband a bookshelf/dvd/xbox shelf for our bedroom. The cords have been all over the floor and even though it’s great that it’s been an aid in teaching our 10 month old the meaning of “No cords.” it’s getting a little worn out now!
It’s time something be done.
And did you know…Home Depot is open on Easter Sunday!
God knows me so well.
And my husband was home to hold the baby while I got down and dirty.
Hopefully, if all the rest follows in my favor I will have a completed project in the next day or two!
But I still am on a mission to figure out how those other mothers get so much accomplished…because my baby just woke up! How do they do it!??? There will be no time for editing today! (And definitely not photoshop.)
This is how I feel right now.
I had therapy last night.
My second therapy session last night was in my car where I felt all the things. Alone.
I said “Oh my God,” a lot. And cried a little.