I need to not wait so long between posts. I need continuity. I sway in and out between darkness and light and I need to record the wave somewhere.
Today I’m feeling a bit defeated because I came home from school to hear my toddler’s babysitter tell me “I just keep hearing the universe telling me to change and I think one of those changes is that I’m going to bail on you and your daughter.” She didn’t use the word “bail,” of course. But that’s what it is. I can’t blame her for being a 23-year-old clown, really.
I’m not being derogatory. She is a clown and actually quite proud of it. She’s recently back from clown school. It was one of the things about her that caused me to want to hire her in the first place. But it turns out I don’t think she actually likes being with kids all day.
I don’t feel defeated because the universe is apparently against me. (ha!) I’m feeling more defeated because during the course of our conversation she made sure to get into all of my tender spots about STILL not being graduated from college. I felt like telling her she was awfully young to go for the part of playing Cruella Deville. But I can’t blame her for being ignorant either. If I acknowledge her perspective on my life as ignorance and not arrogant cruelty then I might have a little more patience for her to pack it up.
Well, maybe I’m still jaded after-all.
I thought I was going to be able to come here and announce that had passed.
I’ve discovered feelings.
Rather, I’ve discovered rawness.
I feel stripped and searched. Lately it feels like the world (the universe?) is pinching and grabbing at me, probing me. Gross.
It seems like there’s not many places in the world for rawness. Am I hurting anyone by being raw?
I think it bothers people a lot.
Ok, it bothers me.
I know who I want to be, but I’m not there yet. And Lord help me the day I ever say I’ve arrived. This life, for me, is not supposed to be about arriving.
Most certainly it’s about the journey. That’s why I’m here.
School is in full-swing now. The Line-Up: Ceramics, Art History-Renaissance to Modern, Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop.
I’m only in a little over my head. I might have several weeks before I’m completely under.
I’m enjoying it, but probably only in the way rawness and joy really go together.
It’s a challenge. It’s hard. My brain and heart both feel like they are at capacity, but that might only mean they will soon grow bigger with space to be even more full?
Growing isn’t easy. Anyone who has really ever grown or is growing would probably get that.
Breaking open is not all-the-way comfortable. But staying stalled, while it has its advantages, doesn’t really get you too far.
The thing about life being a journey is that the end is never really reached, but it requires constant movement toward that place to be the journey it’s meant to be.