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My Art Therapy Journey

Posts tagged personality

This evening I came to a crossroads.  I was at Old Navy trying to use up a coupon set to expire today.  The intersection between me and me was in the changing room.

I will try to explain:

The summer stuff is on clearance, so I decided to try on some $5 shorts to preemptively save some money and beat the rush for next summer.  (Or maybe I decided to try them on as a plea to the weather for it to stay warm a lot longer than September usually allows around here. )

Anyway, I was standing there.  Having tried on the shorts and seeing that they fit me, the debate began.  The “What now!?” debate. Should I buy them?

I’m always much more relieved when things actually don’t fit so I don’t have to go through the list of scenarios that might arise if I do buy something vs. if I don’t buy something.  I walk tall out of the changing room because I’ve escaped (or won?) the battle once again.  But not tonight.

Tonight started up the “Will I regret this later?” thing.  The “What’s the return policy?” thing and the “Can I  justify this purchase to my husband?” thing. ( There are these questions among others….I’m the person occupying a changing room concerningly motionless for at least 30 minutes, lost in debate, before facing the world again.)

So, shortly before closing tonight at an Old Navy store in Midwest USA it dawned on me…the acceptance between me and me.  The understanding is this: I have no idea what size I will be by next summer, and more importantly than even that… I have no idea who I will BE by next summer.

I stood there looking at these shorts…shorts that I would wear today.  I looked at my hair…the color, style, length so suburbanish.  I looked at my body…a body that’s begged to be covered in far more tattoos.  I looked inside me…changing.  But changing into what…into WHO?!

I was standing there in the changing room actually changing before my eyes!

I realized my need to live and be present in the moment, and maybe it’s something that I’m acquiring now that won’t change about me later.  Maybe it’s the beginning of becoming who I am…who I am meant to be!

My size has changed in the last quarter of a year so that a lot of my clothes don’t fit me anymore.  I’ve always been a jeans and t-shirt sort of girl, but now that I’m faced with needing to pick a few things up I’m finding myself drawn to wanting a more definitive style.  A style that says…”This is ME.”  Recognizable.   One with personality.

And I’ve thought, “Wow, this would be a lot easier if I knew who I was.”  I could go into a store and know what to look for.  I would know my style and go right to it.  I could streamline things and do a way less psychotic seeming mix and match.    Then I think about being 32 and still figuring out this stage most teenagers are in.  I think about being the mother of a teenager myself, now, and I get really freaked out about the state I’m in.

I’m 32 going on 13!

(My teenage daughter is 14.  She’s already ahead of me.)

 

So…I didn’t buy the shorts tonight.  It’s only the beginning of Fall.  Winter is still to come and next summer is a long way off.  (Anyway, didn’t I write a post a while back about my irritation about the 2013 calendars being for sale already?)  I said, “Nice knowing ya,” and gave them back to the woman putting away  clothing people had tried on that didn’t fit…

Sometimes things fit and you’re not sure if you want them to fit…in a life way.

Sometimes you get to choose what you’re going to wear like you get to chose who to be.

I’m in a state of evaluating and making decisions.

The cool thing about this  life is that, at least to some degree, it can be changed. It’s an evolving creation.  A malleable gift.

It feels like this process of finding myself is a gift that got inadvertently pushed under the Christmas tree skirt only to be discovered once the festivities have passed. I feel like I am unwrapping (and being unwrapped) and shaping (and being shaped) all at the same time.  And some kid (me), after thinking she was forgotten and left-out, is finding the experience of life redeemed.

I know this song is about other things, but now it keeps popping in my head now…

 

 

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I’ve recently had the recurring urge to shave my head, even though I know it’s probably not the greatest idea.  I was close enough to shaving my head when I when I got my Pixie Cut two summers ago.  I’m capitalizing Pixie Cut because it was that big of a deal.  I paid enough for a semesters worth of community college to repair the damage from that particular urge after several toupees and all the therapy it inspired.   Actually, my husband paid for it, but he had it coming because I had given him say on whether I should actually do it or not.  And he gave me the emphatic “Do it! It’s hot!” go ahead.  : \  .  That was just weeks into our marriage and we’ve learned a lot since then.  Slowly.  Very slowly…at about the rate hair grows.   And of course, two years later I still have my driver’s license picture to remind me of how much I shouldn’t act on all my urges or all of my husband’s ideas about “hotness.”

But at any rate, the urge has managed to return.  I don’t know what it’s about.  I’m thinking maybe I get this urge to chop off all my hair when life transitions are upon me.   That makes sense, right?

Well, that’s the thing about urges.  They don’t always make sense.

I’m sure there’s a psychological underpinning to it that does follow some line of logic…even if it’s ill-logic.

I don’t think it really matters.  I just feel things strongly and that’s enough to make me reach for the scissors.  Or, in this case, razors.

Wow, writing it like this makes me think this might be enough motivation for my husband to wear protection to bed.

 

Anyway, I went to the bookstore today.   (You can start breathing again, the focus on my urges is passing for now.)

I was looking for a Pottery Illustrated Magazine or Ceramics Monthly or something to do with clay.  They didn’t have any, unfortunately, but there were several other magazines that caught my eye.

Like this one:

The Secret Files of My Personality

 

I didn’t want anyone else to see me pick it up, but if you can tell by the computer in the background, I did actually buy this.  It’s funny that I was a little embarrassed for some reason to be flipping through this in the store (not sure why, maybe because of some stupid idea that I should stick  to picking up “chick flicks” or a fitness magazine on how to acquire tight glutes or something) but now I’m broadcasting it here for everyone to see.   It probably says something about my personality!  But I’m not sure what it’s saying about me yet because I haven’t taken any of the quizzes yet.  Maybe these quizzes will lead me to a cure and I won’t need therapy anymore.

I will always need to participate in some form of art for my sanity, though.

I actually went on a magazine spree today…but with good cause!

I’m (re)starting school again next week.  “Real-Deal” school.  Actually,  it is mini real-deal (junior college,) but hey, it’s still school.  I still will get a grade, and it could, eventually, ever so slowly, lead me to a career in which people come to me for help!

So now you know, you’re reading the “Before She Was Famous”  Blog.

All I want to do in life is live.  And living, what I want for my life, means the ability to reliably connect and share.  And feel.  (Thinking straight would also be a perk.)  And sometimes…just Be.   Me.  And I want to Be Whole.  In an ideal world, I’d be able to play some role in  passing life (with light) on.

I was going to major in Art Therapy, but apparently only people on the coasts can work toward becoming art therapists so simply.  There is only one school in the Midwest that even has a Master’s program specifically for art therapy, and, even though I am in the midwest I am not within driving distance to it.  So I’m holding tight that I can get a Bachelor of Fine Arts and someone crazy enough will admit me into a Masters counseling program after that.

I’m scared.  I’m scared about being accepted, which I’ve spoken about on my blog.

I have failed many times in my life…

Anyway, there’s so much story behind and ahead of this…and I have to admit I don’t yet know how to exactly face or share either side of that storyline besides being here where I am on a day-to-day basis.  It’s really not too bad of a way to live, really.  To live in Not Knowing.

As long as I’m focussed on the important things…and people.  That is where the real-deal learning really is.  And, I suppose, where I have the most to learn.

I might be able to take this step-by-step and save my hair-do.

I do sometimes get ahead of myself.

**

Are we there yet? …And, I think 1,000 Places to See Before You Die is so aptly placed. along with the calendar that advertises “Do It All”

While I was at the bookstore I also ran into big display of calendars.   My gaze was more down because I’m wearing a hat today so I didn’t immediately see the display sign on top of the rack.  I was kind of surprised they still had 2012 calendars to sell…until I looked up and saw they were for 2013.  I always get freaked out when I see calendar displays in “off” times because I think I’ve missed more in my life than I was prepared for.    But then I did a quick run-through and realized it wasn’t me.  It was the rest of the world with the problem!  It is the beginning of August 2012, and our culture is living nearly half a year in advance.  What gives?

What is the deal with not being present in this world?  I feel so rushed. And it happens everywhere.  It happens as people run over me in the grocery store, fight me in the check-out line, and tail me all the way home.  Can we please slow down?

I need to get this out and ask, am I the only one feeling this way?

Another interesting find at the bookstore today, but didn’t buy this time. Notice the word “Quickly” is also in this title! 🙂 I also thought the “How to Be Happy” book sitting next to it was interesting, but that is way more of a rant than I have energy for today.

I am in the process of looking for a “Slower People Unite” support group.  Let me know if you’re interested, quickly! 🙂

I am so stressed by being out-and-about sometimes my muscles are clenched to my bones and I can’t move at all!  We’re all going to die in one form or fashion and is all this rushing really necessary or worth it!?

We all will get where we’re going.

Which, come to think of it, just about perfectly completes my interesting finds at the bookstore today…a National Bestseller, which I also did not buy today, but I did flip through and it looked maybe it could be.  But I wasn’t going to take the $7 risk.

 

Things you need to know NOW!!!

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart ~ Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now  by Gordon Livingston M.D.

 

I hope there’s enough time for me to get this later…it will have to wait in the queue with the rest of them!