I get a little scared by acceptance. It is, of course, something I always want. I want it like the challenge that it is. I love challenge. But…a challenge is still a challenge! : ) At least I have been feeling ready for it!
So, where does this leave me now that I am beginning to accept myself as I am? Me… this person who sometimes (even still!) is too scared to let out a whole sentence without dodging my eyes when face-to-face. (Coincidentally, I think the “eye-dodge” happens a lot less when I’m talking with anyone about anything related to art? Art creates an open door where inhibitions and shame can find a way out of the room…like a nasty fly maybe that has found there is no longer anything good to feed on? But who knows, I came to this during proof-reading so I’ll have to think on this some more.)
I guess it leaves me working (and a person with a job these days is considered pretty well off) and aware of some of the most minute aspects of interaction and living. Maybe this sensitivity is part of what draws me to nature and the “little things” that fill up so much of the working world.
So why am I writing about this here?
Because it’s part of my journey (a pretty big part, I guess,) and because sharing with, in and through this blog has become a big-enough part of my life that I think of it often…daily. Many times a day. I’m a person that hasn’t had access to my true voice for the majority of my life. I cry at every choir performance my teenage daughter participates in because I cannot imagine a more beautiful thing than to create through the exchange of real breath. And to hear and see my daughter’s voice leaves me with nothing but hopeful, happy tears for her and the next generation.
This reminds me of how, from the time my daughter was a preschooler, we would bolt out songs together when we were driving together in the car. It was our happy place.
Ah, happy places.
How do our happy places slip away?
There are new “happy places.” Life changes, people transition and/or transform. Things happen. But sometimes, and I’ll only say this quietly, a sad place fills the void where once a happy place lived….and sang.
I started out writing this today not having any idea what I was talking about here…or why. But I’ve been away from my blog for a while. Not in my heart or life, of course, but in showing my words.
I usually like to be inspired by an image before I sit down to write a post…but today things (so far) have been different. I have so many images that I have made and collected over the last couple of weeks. So many things could have started me off. But today I decided to just accept that I needed and wanted to write. And I didn’t have to have a plan or a goal. I came just wanting to say what was going to be said. Do you ever feel like something is just -there- and you’re not in control of it? Like, truly, all that it needs is acceptance for it to show itself to the rest of the world (or you)?
I guess I maybe feel this is the heart of art. Acceptance. (But also trust and faith with a fair dose of willingness. )
I realized as I was writing about my daughter and our happy place that I do actually have an image to share and put with this post.
It’s my latest painting…the one I alluded to the last time I wrote. It’s still not finished….but I’m not finished either and I’m still here! So I figure it’s ok to share…this is about the journey.
And a bit about the intuitive painting process: In the last month I finished up my first ever painting e-course with Flora Bowley (called “Bloom True,” no less ) who is not only an amazing artist but a very real, beautiful and inspiring woman. I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to take her course as she shines an extremely bright light. It was so effortless (but still personally emotionally challenging at times…re: self-acceptance) to learn about her process and begin to carry with me some of the priceless tools she shared. (And she’s offering her e-course again, so if you’re interested in growing yourself (blooming?) I cannot recommend her class enough.)
Base layers, playing with color and mark making
Having a blast doing “graffiti” without the pressure of breaking any enforceable laws
Inspired by my deer encounter a couple of posts ago!
very contorted hind legs
staying with it
hm, is that a flower? lol
A gentle and rather kind art critic in the studio
adding and subtracting, the only math I can do!
Another shot for Sammy…he always accepts me and my paintings 😉
This is the last photo I have of this particular painting in process…I have worked some more on it and it is still transforming. I am not sure where it will end up, but I am working on accepting it regardless of whatever happens. I feel like I have learned so much through this one painting and have experienced several ups and downs with it. But it has been a different process from the process with my “flower painting” I shared a few weeks ago!
I’m hesitant to say too much about the content and emotional aspects of this painting since it’s not completed yet. Maybe when it is done. For now I’m on this journey facing the challenges as they come! And really, quite loving it when I stand back and look around me!
….And speaking of looking around me (which always leads me to looking within) is what I will be doing over the next week while I am on a long over-due (and somewhat impromptu) nature vacation! I anticipate a lot of iPhoneography going on, which reminds me! I need to run and find a car charger for my phone and it’s nearly 5pm! I’ll be watching the sun rise as I near the sky tomorrow morning bright and early so I better get a jump on it if I don’t want my anticipation to fall fast and hard!
I have to scoot, but I will return…so much more to share!
Thanks for listening (and watching!) (and accepting! yikes!) 🙂
I know it’s late, and I know it’s silly of me to think I will actually be in bed sleeping before it’s time to wake up again for a day of travel with my husband and 13 month old daughter….
I did go get that car charger for my iPhone and the funniest thing happened when I returned. There in my yard laid (and she really was laying down!) a doe…along with at least two of her babies. She got up quickly, but I’m a pretty quick draw when it comes to snapping a photo so I grabbed my phone and went for it…I couldn’t wait to share this.
Even with Instagram crashing on me (twice!) I got these shots to share….
Funny how life is…how acceptance is…and how things (and in this case, some deer) sometimes appear at just the right time.
For what it’s worth this is the first time I’ve seen this doe with her babies here. And these are the first fawns I have seen for myself all year…
doe and her fawns in our yard tonight 🙂
mom and babies in our yard tonight after coming home from errands (after writing this post)
So, I’m off for now! Vacation will be here before I know it! (As relaxing as travelling with a 13-month old can be anyway!)
I’d like to bring you along. I’m going to be on the lookout for a lot of light…and I’m open to what the “open road” will have to share with me. I’m hoping for sunshine, but I never know what this journey has in store for me. At the very least it’s always an adventure.
So maybe I’ll make this like a mini documentary within the living documentary of this blog as it is. Maybe I’ll be a photo journalist on the sly…or maybe not so sly! Who knows, maybe I’ll meet a new friend…or a wild bear…I’ll ask to pose with for a photo. I’m deathly terrified of bears and the place where I’ll be is known for having them! I’m going to let it be a surprise for now where I report from next….
But until then…sweet dreams!
Off for the Main Trail…