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My Art Therapy Journey

Posts tagged sadness

If I could cry 5 million pounds of tears I would, but there would be 2.5 million still left inside me.

And if I could fill 3 planets with laughter I could burst 6 more (Pluto lives) with what my soul would still contain.

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Sometimes I get tired and seeking solace isn’t very solacing.  To expect is to work.  But still, I find myself doing it, even, or especially, in the hours of greatest exhaustion. Tiredness leads to forgetfulness.  And I don’t know what forgetfulness leads to…because I forget.

 

Growing is also work, but it is usually supposedly good for you.  Growing pains.  Is there anyone that doesn’t know about those?

 

I rise and fall.  I grow and seek solace.

 

My heart has a full ache and I try to fill it with more.

 

 

 

Over the weekend my Baby became a Toddler.  She’s still not quite “toddling,” but we’ve made the one-year mark.  It’s exciting and humbling.  It makes me nostalgic for my older daughter who will turn 14 this fall.  Though, it is hard to not be washed in fear.  I look at other families, especially younger ones just starting out with their baby or young children and sometimes my heart wants to stop.  I don’t really know why.  I don’t know if it takes me to the hindsight wisdom I have now about a time when I was so young (a teenager)  and unknowing–when I had no idea what was to come for me as a mother– or if I am feeling vulnerable for them…because they look so innocent.  Parents.  Hearts just right out there in front.

I don’t think I look innocent.

But I’m not really sure what I look like anymore.

I have no idea what life will throw my way. I am  doing my best to be the parent my toddler (with her own unique personality and set of traits, much different from her sister’s)  needs me to be.  I don’t think I look-or feel-innocent, but I so often am scared of not knowing enough.

I am constantly searching myself out, asking, “Have I learned what I need to know from my mistakes?”

It’s scarier to be pretty sure I probably don’t even know all the mistakes I have made yet.

Time is a teller.

Is there any parent out there who can’t look back and see even just one mistake they might have made in raising a child?  If there is, I’m sure that person will come find me here to tell me, lol.  Never fails, huh.  (Falls under the class of “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.”)

Anyway, we survived the first birthday party.  A party my older daughter never received.  (I was a Jehovah’s Witness then.)

I feel like I am always living in alternate universes.  Especially as a married woman and parent now in this new place.  Memories free-flow around and through me.  I live in an ocean of memories and most of them are not very pleasant.  I work hard to make new ones.  Sometimes I think I actually work too hard at that and stress myself out even more.  And then is the memory I worked so hard to make good any good?

But as I was saying, we’ve made it this far.

This year we celebrated with friends…a pretty rockin’ way to get the ball rollin’.  Right?

But my older daughter was with her dad.  So even this birthday is tinged with sadness.  It’s a long story only a mini-series could tell.

I’m going to trust that if I keep living life with light will take care of this for all of us.

This is a picture of the ceiling in our “breakfast nook.”

Yesterday a piece of the ceiling was removed

The other day when I noticed our ceiling coming apart, I realized we had a leak.

What you see is the floor to our second story and pipes that transport water from upstairs.

Nobody could figure out where the leak was coming from.

The plumber came and took a guess.  He dismantled our toilet…

…but his guess was wrong.  We then had a bad leak in addition to no toilet.

He wouldn’t reinstall our toilet without charging us $750 dollars to fix it because it hadn’t originally been installed “to code,” even though that’s not where the leak was from.

I told the plumber to leave.  Without re-installing the toilet, thank you.

My husband had the friend that helped remodel our house come over to find the source of the problem.

They fixed it while I was at book club.  All better.

This morning my husband took a shower.  And I took a bath.

…When I fell into the slip-and-slide on the breakfast nook floor.

It’s still leaking.  We think we know it’s from the shower.  But the leak is a mystery.

***

THIS IS A PICTURE OF ME.

I have a leak.

 

It happens sometimes after I put my daughter down for a nap.

 

The water comes from someplace deep inside my soul…and leaves a path that is hard to trace.

 

I’m not sure if I will ever find the true source of tears.

 

 

And if I do…if it will be repairable.

 

The questions and concerns grow as I sit…exposed.